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I don't know what it is but since before my vacation to Lisbon in May I've just been insanely busy, this isn't a bad thing per say but I feel a bit bad that sometimes I've been a bit slow in game with my replies and what not. I'm just terrible with dates and missing this and that the last while.
Life is just one of those things where sometimes I'm incredibly idle and then bam it all hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't seem to find the pattern. I'm a very organized person and when change occurs I find myself lost and seemingly incapable of proper planning. Today was one of those days: Last night I woke up around midnight and it was storming, oh yeah sleep is not going to happen. Toss and turn until 2? Hub's alarm doesn't go off - crap it's 5:10 and we're rushing around. Get out the door on time and catch a bus. Wrong bus though and for whatever reason the bus driver didn't say anything to me, even though it was the school bus for mostly 6 year old's. Now I know I'm tiny and what not, but 6? Anyway realized within a reasonable amount of time and managed to get off the bus thankfully before it went on the complete school route. Sheer brilliance on my part, get to work all is well la-dee-da around 9 one of my supervisor's comes in "Hey this is so and so, can you train her?" I'm all like but I just started in this department, "Yeah, we know you can do it." There wasn't much choice in the matter here. We were backlogged with inventory waiting to go into the store, carts of stuff to be sorted and I've got to train someone. Sure why not? All morning I'm thinking I know this woman, which is kind of shocking as unless I've met you several times or really have to describe someone it really needs to be right after meeting them as truly I'm rather dense in this department. If asked hours after witnessing something the attacker or whatever could have been 6'2 pasty see through skin, bald and sheer skin and bones. My description would end up being '5'6, large beer belly, skin obviously exposed to excess sun and extremely hairy.' When I was robbed on the train many moons ago I am still shocked I was able to give the police and accurate description of the guy who robbed me, as this truly isn't like me. I'm also just terrible with names (and making in game connections, seriously this will never be my strong point.) Anyway I digress turns out I knew the woman from a store I used to visit quite regularly because they had super cheap tea and coffee and I liked to go there and write, it's a small world sometimes. In addition this morning my boss then comes up to me, "Hey can you price this furniture?" I'm all "I've never priced furniture before." He didn't seem to care, asks me to shoot him a price. I give a guess and he's all thumb's up and tells me to go and get on it. Like I didn't have enough to do? I didn't even take a moment of a break until 11 and that was super brief before heading back to the lady i was training. As I was leaving I realized I had never even brought my purse to work today, by some miracle I had remembered my keys and bus card how I don't know. So all in all, I'm a little chaotic the last couple of months, my focus is not on the game as it should be. I just don't have the time in my life, but I'm trying because the last thing I want to do is let any of my playing partners down. I've written my usual gibberish blogs here and there, attempted to keep up with clicks, but I know I haven't been as active or responsible as I usually am and for that I am sorry. Hopefully next week I can get into a better swing of things, but between work, social life, dog school and so on expect errors as hell I am only human. Be good to one another everyone and thanks for your patience, sorry for being such a lame slacker! Some would say the monsters under the beds are the one's to fear, the scary beasts from the forests, witches and warlocks, demons and devils. But I share a different point a view, a view shared by the monsters, the monsters we were told to fear as a children as we cowered under our blankets clutching our pillows tightly. For those giant's the monsters in the movies, the clowns in the closet are not the one's to fear after all the monsters are in fact are us - mankind.
We as human's corrupt, spread our filth throughout the land not only on in a physical form, but with mental pollution, lack of empathy and cruelty towards others. We pollute and destroy our planet, carelessly tossing our rubbish wherever we please. We human's are the monsters and the the monsters are real. Now where is this coming from? I went to see the new Godzilla film today and to be honest I was simply blown away, not only by the movie itself but the reactions from the audience. The two young boys who would cheer for Godzilla and yell out "OH NO!" When he was in trouble truly captured the beauty of understanding the Godzilla films. I an adult female have a confession, I am a Godzilla geek and have been so since childhood. I as an adult female have several Godzilla figures on display in my display cabinet and I'm damn proud of it. I promise no spoilers here, just the utmost adoration for these films. The fluid movie of King Ghidorah was caputred perfectly and how I had guessed they work him into the script was really what I was hoping for. Surprise monsters (or Titans as referred by the film) which had me googling like a mad woman at the fast food restaurant with my shitty internet as I used it all up this month on vacation. The emotion in Godzilla's eyes took me back to a time long ago of fond memories and a change in my life. This was more than a movie for me, this was an emotional experience. I didn't cry, I promise I only cry at the end of Godzilla 1985 every freakin' time I watch that film. As a child my Father would take me regularly to the cinema on Saturday's when my Mother worked at the Bakery and they were often showing old Godzilla films, it was something him and I shared together so forgive me if you can but for me these films are more than campy monsters and men in suits stomping over tiny tanks and miniature villages these movies have a theme, a theme of which I strongly believe in. Be good to one another and our planet. Godzilla comes for a reason, to teach mankind to shape up, sure it's a shitty expensive lesson but hey we are the one's who screwed up in the first place. You would think we would learn, but alas humans who should be the top of the food chain are pretty damn daft all in all. Anyway this blog has no real purpose apart from the fact that I think the movie rocks and if you have a couple of hours to spare go see it and think about life for awhile and be a kid again enjoying giant monsters crushing the shit out of everything. Be good everyone and stay safe out there ... potholes are often bigger than they appear. Me,the McCarthy ppm will be on vacation in Portugal from May 12th-20th. I'll be scarce starting the 11th until the 21st probably since we have a new fence being put in on the 11th and I'll just be knackered on the 20th when I return. I'll be mobile and have my tablet with me, but my plan is limited internet and soaking up the sunshine, coffee's with friends, dancing with strangers in the streets (as I regularly do when in Portugal for some odd reason), shopping and exploring everything under every rock and pebble that I stumble upon.
Peace out - be good to yourselves everyone and remember life is short and treat others how you wish to be treated, even if it's behind a screen. It's not so hard to be kind. Four score and seven years ago, my parent's out of wedlock made a baby. Tsk, tsk but they quickly fixed that and had a wedding with one person in attendance? I don't know there isn't even a wedding photo of their glorious day. The sweet hippie rebellious girl and the bad boy of rock and roll yeah a match made in ... Well that's another story all together. So it's my birthday, as many of you have read my blogs I suffer from PTSD and what a ca-ca nights sleep. I'm anxious right now probably from my surgery and doing nothing for two weeks besides staring at one wall and then another for hours on end here. Monday I had to go back to hospital as I had some complications and let's just say I'm beyond bored right now. I'm just anxious worried about disappointing others, worried about not being perfectly okay all the time and so on and so on. Great I've given myself a new trauma worrying about failing at conquering PTSD. Sheer brilliance right there (and also some sarcasm.) Anyway to lighten the mood I share some birthday fun with you. My best friend and I have the Justin Bieber war going on, I give her shit, she gives me shit and occasionally one of my other friends gives me something from the Bieb just to torment me ... his glitter lotion shit gets everywhere. But I will say it smells pretty nice. So the photo above is from her mornings birthday greetings. Cynical conversation ensued at 6 am ... Oh to be young again and no longer getting up at stupid o'clock. So far the birthday fairy has been pretty sweet to me ... I'm the only adult female in the world I swear reading horror comics, listening to The 1975 polishing my nails and wearing purty smelly stuff. Something went very wrong in the creation of me. From me to you - have a happy day for me. Do something nice for someone, even if that gift is just a smile because someone out there needs it. Peace out - Carrie the McCarthy ppm. PS Ton Heukels ... huzzzzaaaah (but maybe not in that pic) To all my dear Popmundo friends, from our home to yours, Mr. McCarthy, myself and our furbabies Noa and Nossie wish you all a very Happy Holiday season filled with yummy treats, a good internet connection and time well spent with those you love. Stay safe in your travels ... 💖💖💖 🎄🎄🎄 PS: Photo's of ornaments were due to a conversation and a promise I made :D Over the past days I have shifted back and forth and how to write this blog. The bottom line is there is no easy way, there is no way to sugar coat it and cover it in candy sprinkles. This is just the raw truth.
I have PTSD. What my PTSD consists of is not something I am not going to share as this is my life, my story and we all have struggles to overcome. Why I am sharing this is for number one stop any whispers that may go around about my absence in game. While I owe no one an explanation, number two is my hope that for any of you out there who might be struggling in whatever way, know that help is out there and you are stronger than you think. For well over a year now I've been searching for the correct help that would give me the confidence in life I am lacking and to allow me to leave the past behind. While the struggles I have gone through will always be a part of me, it is time to let them rest and time for me to grow. By my own will I chose to enter a relatively new program with rather extreme measures of treatment. This is a combination of something called 'exposure therapy', 'emdr' and 'intense physical activities'. Some of you know and others don't, I'm three freakin' apples high or potentially less. Hello Kitty towers over and me and scowls, "I own yo ass bitch." Seriously I'm just really small. (Yadadaa yaddaa that wasn't written in third person narrative/past tense/old English Literature, etc, sue me but this is a blog about me.) What I'm trying to point out here is that going through boot camp and being the size of a pea is really difficult. Exposure therapy challenges me to face my fears, to do things I normally would not do, challenge myself and prove 'hey I can do this and guess what? I survived.' Emdr makes you relive a scenario in your life by retelling the story in as much detail as you can remember, this story is then often amplified by sound effects, sometimes even scents in some people's cases to make you relive it, to make you feel the stress until you think you are about to break. While you relive this scenario your eyes must follow a light pattern, feel vibrations and are often given other tasks. This is meant to overwhelm you. But as horrible as this feel's and as many tears as you may or may not shed at the end of the day it was just a memory, a memory that is part of you. The idea is actually quite terrifying in itself, but I've just completed four days and have four days left to go. I'm here, I'm standing and I'm proud of all I've already done. Boot camp is another story all together they place you in a group (which I'm not completely sure if my group will change next week) and you as a group will learn to work together and support one another. This is six hours of your day and trust me you don't sleep well on those rock hard mattresses they provide. There are rules there, we are not allowed to share our past stories, we are not allowed to hug one another when we are suffering and excuses are not tolerated. We as clients chose to enter this program, their job is to break us and prove to us that we will survive. Day 1: A simple bike ride goes wrong because it's me and adventure follows me wherever I go. Going back to the fact that I am small I was nervous to bike with a group and hold up the group, etc. As previously stated, excuses are not allowed. By this point the program had already began pushing our limits, testing us and to be honest a couple of people had already left. Brutal as it is if you quit you are fined 80 euros a day, ouch! So the group heads off minus one instructor and another girl who was trying to get out of bike riding. My instructor tells me to follow the group and she'll be right behind me. The group bikes out of my vision and I can only assume where they went. My assumption was wrong. So my idea was that I knew what time I had to be back, might as well keep biking I know if I go the same way back that I came I'd get there in time and I was having an enjoyable bike ride in nature. Awwww beautiful and relaxing, feel the stress flowing away, until I see my leader down the road breathing a sigh of relief. They had no idea if they had pushed me too far already and perhaps I was terrified in the woods somewhere or something, something. Everyone was in a panic, but me. It all turned out rather comical in the end but the instructors were quick to learn a lesson for themselves on how to better organize group events to not lose people in the future. Day 2: Perhaps my most difficult day, it didn't start well and I wanted to go home. The intensity of everything began to feel as if I just couldn't take it. But at the same time there was this part of me, the part of me who had promised myself, my family, my friends and so many others I care for that I would do this knew I couldn't stop no matter how weak I felt. There were tears and others began to get to know me and I began to know them. In these extreme elements our fears couldn't be hidden, we were exposed and there were no fluffy cushions to fall back on. All I had was me and my collection of ridiculous childish socks to provide me comfort with. (/me proudly shows off her rainbow unicorn socks and offers a wee dance of the tiny people!) Now I'm not one who likes to get dirty, meh heh heh heh obstacle courses, archery and playing in the mud well I can kiss my Princess ass goodbye because dirty is exactly what I got. I crawled in a mud, I climbed on tires, through the woods, climbed wooden walls and took on those challenges like a boss. We have all discovered rather quickly that while I can shoot high and far, accuracy will never be my strong point. It's a good thing I am not a guy, I'd never knock anyone up aim for the womb, hit her in the eye! Bam ... I suck. Several people feared for their lives, look out world as she's going to hit you in the head. Day 3: Humor, oh how laughter is a wonderful thing. Part of the rules for many of us there were limited showers, brushing teeth, etc, etc. We were not there to look or smell pretty, we were there to be raw. At some point you begin to laugh about it and you begin to bond with others that share your sense of humor. Wednesday morning a girl I had begun to get to know confesses to me, she cannot poop. She left her Metamucil at home and damn she's in pain. I look at her with a cocked eyebrow, "Yo, I can hook you up." She begins to giggle and inquires further as I explain that I happen to have Psyllium fibers with me. We are giggling like idiots and she asks me if I can bring it to her at lunch. A cocked eyebrow in return, "Yo, slip it in my back pocket when no one is looking." She's a school teacher and wow, we just begin to click. Lunch line up, sausages and other things are on the menu. She looks at me and asks if she can make a joke. I am like 'Hell yes!' So there it began, "You think those sausages are any good?" I know exactly where this is going from the look in her eye and simply reply, "Can I joke back?" She nods enthusiastically as others listen in on our childish humor, "Ah honey, ain't none of those sausages big enough to do the job." Laughter in the line-up she replies, "I don't know what sausages you've been having but I've certainly never had any THAT big, jealous!" No one seemed capable of eating their damned sausages that meal without childish snickers, it was just brilliant. Boot camp continues and more bonding begins. We are in the woods, we have four poles and 4 lengths of rope. The instructions are simple to work together as a team and build a structure or something interesting to look at. We are a team of 4 women and one man who confesses he doesn't even put Ikea furniture together, he pays someone to do it. One of the girls is the one who didn't want to bike ride, she didn't want to chip her nail polish oh boy this is going to be fun, another has an injured leg and the other is quite quiet and then there is me, less than 3 apples high. What a motley crew. The injured one says "Let's get a tree and make a tee pee." So before I know it they are off and find this tree that has fallen over and are attempting to drag it back to our space to somehow place it upright and build a tee pee. Problem is, they cannot lift it and I point out, "How are we going to make it stand up?" No one had a clue. Here is where I'm finally of some use a plan already formed in my head, I gently presented my idea. "Let's build a frame of the the four poles and tie them together. From there we can gather large branches lean them in a tee pee like form, using the frame to support them preventing us from digging with our hands in the dirt as we have no tools." We were all working within seconds together, gathering what was required. Two ropes were used to tie the logs together (somehow weak little me made the tightest knots we later struggled to untie) and even the girl with the worry of chipped nail polish was in the deep woods dragging back some awesome branches, she was so proud of herself and was beginning to shine. The guy in our group was so determined for us to win, the other team had 'Mr Survivalist' on their team, their structure kept falling apart, our guy was jumping and dancing for joy as we won, his victory smile will never be forgotten. Afternoon walk, my left knee begins to do something pretty funky. But I keep pushing forward, hobbling along and trying to work through the pain. It's raining, we are all cold and tired both physically and mentally by evening it was clear I couldn't go on another walk through the woods. My right knee was not in pain but it looked as it someone had taken a baseball bat too it, not pretty. So while the others went on their evening walk, nail polish girl, injured girl and myself stayed in the gym, they coloured and I did crunches, planks and so forth. The guy in our team and another taller blonde woman had wanted me to come along, "You can bike, we'll walk beside you." He looked at me with the sweetest smile, "Come on, I'll be your body guard." Bless, the beauty you begin to see from people when we are all working under extreme stress. Huzzah my faith in humanity has been restored (at least until I turn on CNN.) Day 4: My left knee is still messed up and now also bruised, what I've done exactly I don't know but injured girl and I decide to join the group for a short walk and then went back to colour together. I have anxiety, strange worries about how all of this will effect me at home. Are there strange things to expect when I'm home? I want to call my husband, it's not allowed. Part of the program is no contact with the outside world, I have to wait until 7 that night to see him, deal with it, you won't die they tell me. I injured girl, my body guard (who loves music as I do) and nail polish girl seem to be forming our little pack, "Yo, come on girl sit with us, let's f-ing chill." What this is for language I'm not sure, but it makes me laugh and we all sit around talking ridiculously, people keep telling me to smile more. "You should smile more, for you have the most beautiful smile." I never know what to do, when I'm working it's different, I can put on that mask and make myself who I must be for the camera, but inside I am not smiling and now that is the person I hope to grow to be. It is Friday morning, I am home with my dogs and my husband has gone to work. I have homework for the weekend and know Sunday evening I must return to finish what I've begun. My journey is far from over, even after this next week I will have so much more to do. But these were the first steps, the hardest steps and all that I can do is keep on trying. I have proved to myself that I am stronger than I thought I was. There are so many people who have supported me in my journey, listened to my tears, held my hand during these struggles and words cannot express how thankful I am to those who held on when I was ready to slip away. Know that even in your weakest, darkest moments, you are stronger than you think. Help is out there, whatever your struggles in life may be. Perhaps you cannot tie your shoe, in the end all along you just didn't have the right teacher for we all can learn, work together and be free. Yours truly with all my well wishes to you, The female half of the McCarthy's September has been a month of adventure, well to be honest since the end of August I've been running around here, there and everywhere. I'm doing my best to keep up with everyone and I promise better replies as soon as I get off this merry-go-round, which should be in October. No promises though, that's going to depend on what happens Saturday.
When it rains it pours they say, that is certainly true for life in The Netherlands this summer. I'm not only talking about the weather here, obviously.
First off my dog got sick and the vet thought it was cancer, needless to say I was more than relieved to get the call that her growth isn't cancer. She is very old and has had a bad history of health issues and chemo was not going to be an option. She goes tomorrow for surgery to remove the growth. I am praying that all goes well and trying not to worry too much. (But I excel in this area!) In other news my best friend and I are working hard on the script for our full length movie. We have been making short comedy films together for as long as we have been friends a lot of them are in the archives for no one to ever see again but us. I'm busy editing our latest film affectionately called 'Tea Bagging' which will go live when I am finally satisfied with the results. But another project has come my way thanks to all the jack asses and perverts on instagram. Hours of sleuthing to uncover romance scams and so much more, catfish galore. It started with a guy calling himself Kenny and wow the things that we uncovered. On a daily basis I get mails from guys on instagram and at first I thought it was somewhat humorous now it is just becoming sad and pathetic. Today another one bothered me who was bugging me a few weeks back and asked the same damn questions. My patience is obviously running thin here: Hello, haw are you? (epic spelling) (insert heart emoticon which obviously would make me drop my panties. I am fine and yourself Im fine Good Send me invitation facebook Yeah I think we had this discussion and I already said no (last time he messaged me) Do you know the song by Aretha Franklin RESPECT? No You should listen to it it might teach you something Like what Do you have boyfriend ?? Dude seriously wtf What? !!! (Edit) This asshat just didn't stop - including googling me to find me on facebook and tried to add me there. The conversation continued briefly as I was truly annoyed by this point. Ok what? You have been so pushy do you really think that is the way to talk to other people? Would you talk to your Mother in such a way (haha I never thought I'd say that!) Dzl Bay Yeah dzl yourself, bloody disrespectful perv, no means no. F*ck monther You cannot even spell you douche and no I will not accept your fb request f-ing stalker. Who raised you? Cannot spell but you can google that's fascinating. Ok Anyway daily crap like this has me and my best friend working on a blog together just filled with this weird lame stuff. Sorry I won't be including the wonderful body part shots they also have decided I need to see. My first one caused me to toss my phone across the sofa and I screamed. *barf* Apart from all the amusing projects I've taken on I've got work, my Portuguese lessons, my vacation coming up and a good lot of social functions to attend. Life is suddenly turning around for me, I'm not sure where the switch got click but things are changing. When I return from Portugal I have some decisions to make if I am going to work more and additional social functions I want to embark upon. Nothing is set in stone of course, I'm currently trying to see if a concert a month and clubbing again would be good for me or hanging out in various activities in Amsterdam. Needless to say it's all positive news on changes I had to make for my life. My application for surgeries should be eligible for when I return from Portugal too, it's going to be a hell of a hard time but it is something I truly want to do for me. I'm sure I will be out of commission for a good period of time after the surgeries and I do hope everyone will be patient with me. Life is a funny thing when you can't see the silver lining anymore I have to say I'm damn lucky to have some amazing people in my life who just held on until I could see the light of day again. Peace out, take each day as it comes and kick the asshats to the curb! I guess I'm here to just provide a little update, I know I have not been my usual self since I started this blog and I don't see this improving in the immediate future. How I wish things were different, but this is my reality and I have to work with what I've got.
A lot has happened to me over the last year or so. Life you know it has a way of handing you some pretty weird stuff when you least expect it. The demands of others in the real world on me became more than I could handle. Somewhere in all of this I forgot to take care of myself and I'm struggling with that now, a lot. Write 2 positive things you've done in a day for yourself - this shouldn't be a challenge but currently it is. I try to think back to when this really went sideways for me, last year I considered going back into modeling and was ready to sign a contract with a photographer to be the face of her company. I had my reservations though, not because I couldn't do the work but it had more to do with the person running the company. I can only say I am so happy I didn't sign any contracts. She went simply spastic psychotic on me for having coffee with an artist friend of mine she really hates (yet will not tell anyone why!) I had done so much for this person over the years and she called me up yelling at me swearing at me that I was a fake, a liar and more. Because I had coffee with someone she disliked, I had betrayed her for all eternity. Combine this with a lot of other stressful factors in my life and I believe this is where things began to change for me. I come to pop to relax, take my mind off the things in the real world and to simply have some fun. There seem to be so many people in the game that are just out for the blood of others though and I wonder to myself why? So you are not happy in your real life so you come online to make difficulties for others? Sure we all like a little dramatic story here and there, who doesn't? Soap operas are just as popular now as they always were. We are all just writing soap operas in text combined with a few photos we snag from online. Barbies for adults I like to call it. How does one draw a line? If I de-friend this one, oh no that one will talk and stir up drama for me. Why can't we all just learn to get along and play nice? What does it really get anyone playing catty little games with others? Behind these pixels sit real people and real people get hurt. Isn't this just another form of cyber bullying? (How I loathe that term). Those of us who were lucky enough to have structured childhoods were usually taught to play nice with others, don't steal, don't cheat, don't lie, remember to share and don't judge a book by its cover. My question here is when did we all toss out the childhood rule book and begin treating each other badly? Would you treat others this way in real life? Probably not, so what makes it acceptable online? So I ask for patience when it comes to replies and perhaps my replies aren't always perfect as I'm doing my best to stay afloat right now. Running my own business, volunteering, taking care of my family, learning Portuguese, continuing my quest in fitness, tending to my disabled neighbors garden, trying to have a social life and oh yeah I'm supposed to take care of me somewhere in there too. |
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June 2019
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